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DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Message from the dog groomers
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks