Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
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During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
WHY would you be happy about this?
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
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Me: Same.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.