Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
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Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂