You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
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Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Breaking news:
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?