My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
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Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?