Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
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Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)