I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
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Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me