[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
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My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Beauty and the Beast
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.