[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
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Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I want this so bad
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…