My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
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My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
#damn
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.