Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?