Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
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I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
my astrological sign is a french fry
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…