Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
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Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest