True freaking story!
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[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Basketball
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
i want the dreams to chase me for once
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.