The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
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Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*