“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
You Might Also Like
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.