Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
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[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.