if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
You Might Also Like
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.