If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
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Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.