My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
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His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
necessity is the mother of invention
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
reminder
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*