Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
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5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
me and my fake scenarios
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Tony Hawk, age 6
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.