Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
You Might Also Like
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Who chose this font
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*