I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
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I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
There are no pants in heaven.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree