[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
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Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.