[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
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“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”