A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
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Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
blocked.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?