I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
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All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
when someone rings the doorbell
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I’m sorry…what?
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I have never related to a cat more
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
A wise man once said nothing.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.