a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
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Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Lucky old June.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.