Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
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every single time
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….