I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
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According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.