“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
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Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Netflix: We have Less
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.