Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
You Might Also Like
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything