Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
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My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart