gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
You Might Also Like
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Called it
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..