*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
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Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Always a metermaid never a meter
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Good advice.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”