In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
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cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.