drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
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Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
be careful
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*