My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
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Oh. My. God.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂