What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
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Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Tell me you get it…🤣
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it