Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
You Might Also Like
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
They did not think through this water fountain
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.