Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
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An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat