6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
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Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.