A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
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I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple