I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
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“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…