ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
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basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”