hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
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Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,