My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
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[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?