Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
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*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
The booster protects against what, now?
thanksgiving in nutshell
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.