Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
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My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.