Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
You Might Also Like
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread